Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do soundmen only count to two? (TESTING ONE, TWO!!!)
Because on three you have to lift.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The
rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund? A: A mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and a musician? A:
large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How do you make a jazz player whine? A: Give 'em a gig.
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole
note with "solo" above it.
Q: What's the definition of a gentleman? A: One who knows how to play
the saxophone, but doesn't.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A:
A drummer.
Q: How do you get 5 oboes in tune? A: Shoot 4 of them.
Q: What are burning oboes used for? A: To set bassoons on fire.
Q: How do you make a guitarist play quieter? A: Put a sheet of music
in front of him.
Q: How do you make him stop? A: Put notes on it!
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? A: You
can tune a lawnmower.
Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? A: People
cry when you chop an onion into pieces.
Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? A:
You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.
Q: There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash
guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad
time picks it up? A: The drummer who keeps bad time: the other
drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about
notes anyway.
Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your
job and your wife back.
Q: How do you tell if the stage is level? A: Drool comes out of both
sides of the drummer's mouth.
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding,
he sings.
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
•"So, should we tell the bass player which string we
knocked out of tune?"
•How many vocalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, and the world revolves around him.
Jerry Garcia arrives in the afterlife and finds Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, etc waiting for him in a top-notch studio.
"Wow", he says, "Heaven's gonna be great!"
Jimi says, "Heaven?"
Just then Karen Carpenter walks in and says "Break's over, let's
do 'Close to You' again, from the top."
At this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses
were loaded.
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